I have been thinking about those two nights of angry dreams I had last week. Those were ugly nights. I said things to people I would never consciously say. I hit. I lost control. One time I woke, not in a sweat, but my heart was racing and I needed to calm myself down before I could fall back asleep. It was UGLY. I felt slimy.
I have been thinking about what those dreams were all about. I have only experienced dreams like that a few other times in my life and the two times I remember were when I was on multi-day fasts.
What was going on, I wondered. As I pondered this, it was as if a Polaroid picture developed before my eyes and my understanding grew clearer and clearer.
My sense is that those dreams gave me a glimpse of who I am at my very core. I hate to admit this but I believe the dreams show that I am extremely selfish deep down inside. When I am comfortable and well fed, I have the ability to control my deep selfishnesses –probably through personal discipline and will power since I have been able to do this all of my life even before I trusted in Jesus.
During my rice and beans fast and other fasts this inner self leaked out past my well developed defenses during my dreams. Is this making sense for you??? I often think of myself as a relatively good person, these dreams showed me I am not nearly as 'good' as I like to tell myself I am. Those dreams showed me who I am deep inside. And they reminded me why I so desperately need a savior, Jesus.
Even though I don't like admitting all of this, it has increased my love for and my dependence upon Jesus. He knows who I am on the surface and deep inside and he still loves me and is delighted to live in relationship with me…
I never expected any deep introspection like this from my week of rice and beans…
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